I’ve stood in these shoes. “Don’t disparage the other parent.” This writer hit the nail on the head: The children lived it. Their comprehension is basic but they have innate wisdom to comprehend they were abandoned. I had to tell them their neglectful and absent dad wasn’t paying for anything; why I was under so much strain. I had to tell them he filed to waive arrears - I didn’t tell them $90,000 in arrears - I had to tell them I was under stress because court was coming up. Had to go from saying “I’m sure he’s just busy. Now he’s afraid of Covid. Now he hurt his back. Now he doesn’t have a car,” as all the excuses for not hosting them or seeing them piled up year after year. I’ve never used the word “abandoned.” But, uh, he’s seen them once in 4 years. I don’t know how to explain why his calls went from weekly to once every six weeks. I haven’t said the words, “slow fade.” But that’s what he’s done. The slow fade. I never foresaw this; I thought we’d go on the occasional camping trip together! I thought he’d show up for their milestones.
Stunning piece of writing that sadly was a hard relate from me too. It really got my heart racing and reminded me of my own anger that often gets stuffed down where it's conveniently quieter, until it needs to rage again. There is so much rage to be had...
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I relate to every word: your grief, your rage, the suffocating silence, the twisted social dynamics. I still feel so much anger at "his" friends (and “our” friends) who disappeared during my divorce and said it was “tough to navigate” for them. Their absence was another wound. I also have so much gratitude for the friends who stood by me, and who literally lifted me up to standing, again and again, when I was on the floor. That contrast is burned into me, and what their behavior reveals about their character.
One thing I’m teaching my son is that real, good men must stand up for others, and especially must hold other men accountable. We need more people willing to break the silence and risk discomfort for the sake of what’s right. Thank you for voicing what so many of us carry.
I’ve stood in these shoes. “Don’t disparage the other parent.” This writer hit the nail on the head: The children lived it. Their comprehension is basic but they have innate wisdom to comprehend they were abandoned. I had to tell them their neglectful and absent dad wasn’t paying for anything; why I was under so much strain. I had to tell them he filed to waive arrears - I didn’t tell them $90,000 in arrears - I had to tell them I was under stress because court was coming up. Had to go from saying “I’m sure he’s just busy. Now he’s afraid of Covid. Now he hurt his back. Now he doesn’t have a car,” as all the excuses for not hosting them or seeing them piled up year after year. I’ve never used the word “abandoned.” But, uh, he’s seen them once in 4 years. I don’t know how to explain why his calls went from weekly to once every six weeks. I haven’t said the words, “slow fade.” But that’s what he’s done. The slow fade. I never foresaw this; I thought we’d go on the occasional camping trip together! I thought he’d show up for their milestones.
Stunning piece of writing that sadly was a hard relate from me too. It really got my heart racing and reminded me of my own anger that often gets stuffed down where it's conveniently quieter, until it needs to rage again. There is so much rage to be had...
I love the tiny truth. Captures this entire project. Thank you for putting this together. So valuable.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I relate to every word: your grief, your rage, the suffocating silence, the twisted social dynamics. I still feel so much anger at "his" friends (and “our” friends) who disappeared during my divorce and said it was “tough to navigate” for them. Their absence was another wound. I also have so much gratitude for the friends who stood by me, and who literally lifted me up to standing, again and again, when I was on the floor. That contrast is burned into me, and what their behavior reveals about their character.
One thing I’m teaching my son is that real, good men must stand up for others, and especially must hold other men accountable. We need more people willing to break the silence and risk discomfort for the sake of what’s right. Thank you for voicing what so many of us carry.
I agree, this writing is stunning. I'm so sorry the author and her daughters experienced this. I wish I could give you all a hug and a casserole.